PUN-TASTIC

Very innovative..........puns for fun. Read along................

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colour. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet'.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tyred.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.

Scien-terrific.

Some great scientists were invited to a reunion ...

* Newton said he'd drop in.

* Socrates said he'd think about it.

* Ohm resisted the idea.

* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.

* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.

* Volta was electrified at the prospect.

* Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.

* Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

* Audobon said he'd have to wing it.

* Edison thought it would be illuminating.

* Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.

* Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

* Dr Jekyll declined - he said he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

* Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash.

* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.

* Hertz said he planned to attend and suggested greater frequency in the future.

* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.

* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

* Heisenberg said he was not quite certain..

And Dr. Sigmund Freud couldn't help but give it the slip!!!!!!!

Funny Howlers

This is a must must read... promise you'll fall off laughing...

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...


Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheikh wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)

Higher Studies

A cow was kept for viva spotting:
 

Answers from medicos.

Pre MBBS - it's a cow!!

Final MBBS - perhaps this is a cow!!!

MD - Four legged animal with horn & tail, may be cow or hypopigmented buffalo!

DM - this may be a hypertrophied goat or an atrophied elephant with congenital anomalies. Possibility of being a cow cannot be ruled out. Suggested DNA studies for further evaluation...

Moral - Higher studies kills your common sense.

विश्वास

 यह कहानी एक आदमी कि है जो एक लम्बी हवाई यात्रा करके आ रहा था।

हवाई यात्रा ठीक ठाक चल रही थी तभी एक उदघोष हुआ कि कृपया अपनी सीट बेल्ट बांध लें क्योंकि कुछ समस्या आ सकती है। 

तभी एक और उदघोष हुआ, " मौसम खराब होने के कारण कुछ गड़बड़ी होने की सम्भावना है अतः हम आपको पेय पदार्थ नहीं दे पाएंगे। कृपया अपनी सीट बेल्ट्स कस कर बांध लें।" 

जब उस व्यक्ति ने अपने चारों ओर अन्य यात्रियों की ओर देखा तो पाया कि वे किसी अनिष्ट की आशंका से थोड़े भयभीत लग रहे थे। कुछ समय के पश्चात फिर एक उदघोष हुआ, " क्षमा करें, आगे मौसम ख़राब है अतः हम आपको भोजन की सेवा नहीं दे सकेंगे। कृप्या अपनी सीट बेल्ट बांध लें ।" 

और फिर एक तूफ़ान सा आ गया। बिजली कड़कने और गरजने की आवाजें हवाई जहाज़ के अन्दर तक सुनायी देने लगीं। बाहर का ख़राब मौसम और तूफ़ान भी भीतर से दिखाई दे रहा था। हवाई जहाज़ एक छोटे खिलौने की तरह उछलने लगा। कभी तो जहाज़ हवा के साथ सीधा चलता था और कभी एकदम गिरने लगता था जैसे कि ध्वस्त हो जायेगा।

वह व्यक्ति बोला की अब वह भी अत्यंत भयभीत हो रहा था और सोंच रहा था कि यह जहाज़ इस तूफ़ान से सुरक्षित निकल पायेगा अथवा नहीं। फिर जब उसने अपने चारों ओर अन्य यात्रियों की ओर देखा तो उसने पाया कि सब ओर भय और असुरक्षा का सा माहौल बन चुका था। 

तभी उसने देखा कि एक सीट पर एक छोटी सी लड़की सीट पर पैर ऊपर करके आराम से बैठी एक पुस्तक पढ़ने में डूबी हुयी थी। उसके चेहरे पर चिंता की कोई शिकन तक नहीं थी। वह कभी-कभी कुछ क्षड़ो के लिए अपनी ऑंखें बंद करती और फिर आराम से पढने लग जाती थी। जब सभी यात्री भयाक्रांत हो रहे थे, जहाज़ उछल रहा था तब भी यह लड़की भय एवं चिन्ता से कोसों दूर थी और आराम से पढ़ रही थी। 

उस व्यक्ति को अपनी आँखों पर विश्वास न हुआ और जब वह जहाज़ अन्ततः सुरक्षित उतर गया, वह व्यक्ति सीधे उस लड़की के पास गया और उसने उससे पूँछा, कि इतनी खतरनाक परिस्तिथियों में भी वह बिलकुल नहीं डरी और एकदम शान्त किस प्रकार बनी हुयी थी। 

इस पर उस लड़की ने उत्तर दिया, " सर मेरे पिताजी इस विमान के चालक थे और वो मुझे घर ले जा रहे थे।

ऐसे ही अगर हम भगवान पर विश्वास करे तो हम कभी परेशान नहीं हो सकते क्यूंकि भगवान खुद वायदा करते है कि आप बच्चे बस एक कदम बढाओ तो मै आप बच्चों की तरफ हजार कदम बढ़ाएगे।

Easy Way Out

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “You came home from work and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”
 

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
 

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “You take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
 

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “Than shooting a different man every day!”

Notings By Medical Interns

Actual writings by intern doctors on case papers!!

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The Painter

AN IRISH PAINTER, BY THE NAME OF MURPHY, WHILE NOT A BRILLIANT SCHOLAR, WAS A GIFTED PORTRAIT ARTIST.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perplexed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object and, in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned to tell the woman "T'd would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said.

"The wife says it's okay.” "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Got to love the Irish !!

छोटू जी

ये जो "छोटू" होते हैं न ? जो चाय दुकानों या होटलों वगैरह में काम करते हैं, वास्तव में ये अपने घर के "बड़े" होते हैं।

कल मै एक ढाबे पर डिनर करने गया, वहाँ एक छोटा सा लडका था जो ग्राहकों को खाना खिला रहा था। कोई 'ऐ छोटू' कह कर बुलाता, तो कोई 'अरे छोटू'। वो नन्ही सी जान ग्राहकों के बीच जैसे उल्झ कर रह गयी हो, यह सब मन को काट रहा था।

मैने छोटू को "छोटू जी" कहकर अपनी तरफ बुलाया। वह भी प्यारी सी मुस्कान लिये मेरे पास आकर बोला,  "साहब जी क्या खाओगे"। मैने कहा, "साहब नही भैया बोल, तब ही बताऊगाँ"।

वो भी मुस्कुराया और आदर के साथ बोला, "भैया आप क्या खायेंगे ..?"

मैने खाना आर्डर किया और खाने लगा। छोटू जी के लिये अब मैं ग्राहक से जैसे मेहमान बन चुका था वो मेरी एक आवाज पर दौड़ा चला आता और प्यार से पूछता, "भैया और क्या लाऊँ..!" "खाना अच्छा तो लगा ना आपको..?"

और मैं कहता, "हाँ छोटू जी आपके इस प्यार ने खाना और स्वादिष्ट कर दिया..!"

खाना खाने के बाद मैने बिल चुकाया और 100 रू छोटू जी की हाथ पर रखकर कहा, "ये तुम्हारे हैं, रख लो और मालिक से मत कहना..!"

वो खुश होकर बोला:-"जी भैया..!"

फिर मैने पूछा, "क्या करोगे इन पैसों का..?"

वो खुशी से बोला, "आज माँ के लिये चप्पल ले जाऊगाँ, 4 दिन से माँ के पास चप्पल नही है, खाली पैर ही चली जाती हैं, साहब लोग के यहाँ बर्तन माँजने..!"

उसकी ये बात सुन मेरी आँखे भर आयी।

मैने पूछा, "घर पर कौन कौन है....?"

तो बोला, "माँ है, मै और छोटी बहन है, पापा भगवान के पास चले गये..!"

मेरे पास कहने को अब कुछ नही रह गया था, मैने उसको कुछ पैसे और दिये और बोला, "आज आम ले जाना माँ के लिये और माँ के लिये अच्छी सी चप्पल भी लाकर देना। बहन और अपने लिये आईसक्रीम ले जाना,

और अगर माँ पूछे 'रूपये किस ने दिये'......तो कह देना 'पापा ने एक भैया को भेजा था, वो दे गये'।

इतना सुन छोटू मुझसे लिपट गया और मैने भी उसको अपने सीने से लगा लिया।

वास्तव में छोटू अपने घर का बड़ा निकला, पढाई की उम्र में घर का भार उठा रहा है।

ऎसे ही ना जाने कितने ही छोटू आपको होटलों ढाबों या चाय की दुकान पर काम करते मिल जायेंगे। आप सभी से इतना निवेदन है कि उनको नौकर की तरह ना बुलायें, थोडा प्यार से कहें। वो ज़रूर आप का काम जल्दी से कर देगें, आप होटलो में भी तो टिप देते हैं, तो प्लीज! ऎसे छोटू जी की थोडी बहुत मदद जरूर करें।

बालश्रम वैधानिक नही है, इन्हें आप काम करने से छुड़वा भी नही सकते,अन्यथा वे और मुसीबत में पड़ जायेंगे, क्योकि पेट भरने के लिए कमाना ही इनके लिये जीने का एकमात्र विकल्प होता है, वरना इनमे से कुछ जरायमपेशा या नशे के आदी भी हो जाते हैं। लेकिन प्यार का बर्ताव और टिप के थोड़े पैसे देकर हम इनकी थोड़ी मदद तो कर ही सकते हैं।

Attempt To Take Credit

Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ,but one day, Sam approached the park and, lo and behold! there sat Russ! 

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"

Russ replied, "I was in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'."

"The damn judge gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

To Pay Or Not To Pay

Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.

The student struck a deal saying, "I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court."

Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.

Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.

The teacher put forward his argument saying, "If I win this case,as per the court of law, the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money."

Equally brilliant student argued back saying, "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet, So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything."

This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.

Vodkabulary....Hic!

Recommended reading when stuck indoors on Rainy Days. Will keep u warm n cozy.......
 
To improve Vodkabulary the following books are essential reading:-

01. Bar and Peace
 
02. Tequila Mockingbird
 
03. The Old Monk and the Sea
 
04. Blender's Pride & Prejudice
 
05. The Last of the Mojitos
 
06. Ale of Two Cities
 
07. The Absinthe- minded Professor
 
08. Scotch-22
 
09. Lord of the Gins
 
10. Love in the Time of Rum & Coca-Cola
 
11. My Experiments with Booze
 
12. The Monk who sold his Bacardi
 
13. A Brief History of Wine
 
14. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Beer
 
15. Drunk Dad, Sober Dad
 
16. Adventures of Huckleberry Gin
 
17. Charlie and the Vodka Factory
 
18. Twenty Thousand Pegs under the Sea
 
19. The Three Whiskeyteers
 
20. Not a Pint more, not a Pint less