Happy New Year 2016

 New Year is not about changing the Dates but Direction; 

It’s not about changing the Calendar but Commitment;

It’s not about changing the Actions but Attitude; 

It’s not about changing the Fruit but Faith, Force and Focus!
 

May you Commit and Create the best New Year ever!
 

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016

 

 

Frog In Hot Water

Put a frog in a vessel of water and start heating the water.

As the temperature of the water rises, the frog is able to adjust its body temperature accordingly.

The frog keeps on adjusting with increase in temperature...

Just when the water is about to reach boiling point, the frog is not able to adjust anymore...

At that point the frog decides to jump out...

The frog tries to jump but is unable to do so, because it has lost all its strength in adjusting with the rising water temperature...

Very soon the frog dies.

What killed the frog?

Many of us would say the boiling water...

But the truth is what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when it had to jump out.

We all need to adjust with people and situations, but we need to be sure when we need to adjust and when we need to confront/face.

There are times when we need to face the situation and take the appropriate action...

If we allow people to exploit us physically, mentally, emotionally or financially, they will continue to do so...

We have to decide when to jump.

Let us jump while we still have the strength.

मीठे संतरे

एक डलिया में संतरे बेचती बूढ़ी औरत से एक युवा अक्सर संतरे खरीदता ।
 

अक्सर, खरीदे संतरों से एक संतरा निकाल उसकी एक फाँक चखता और कहता, "ये कम मीठा लग रहा है, देखो !"
 

बूढ़ी औरत संतरे को चखती और प्रतिवाद करती "ना बाबू मीठा तो है!"
 

वो उस संतरे को वही छोड़,बाकी संतरे ले गर्दन झटकते आगे बढ़ जाता।
 

युवा अक्सर अपनी पत्नी के साथ होता था, एक दिन पत्नी नें पूछा "ये संतरे हमेशा मीठे ही होते हैं, पर यह नौटंकी तुम हमेशा क्यों करते हो" ?

युवा ने पत्नी को एक मधुर मुस्कान के साथ बताया, "वो बूढ़ी माँ संतरे बहुत मीठे बेचती है, पर खुद कभी नहीं खाती, इस तरह मै उसे संतरा खिला देता हूँ ।

एक दिन, बूढ़ी माँ से, उसके पड़ोस में सब्जी बेचनें वाली औरत ने सवाल किया, "ये झक्की लड़का संतरे लेते इतनी चख चख करता है, पर संतरे तौलते हुए मै तेरे पलड़े को देखती हूँ, तुम हमेशा उसकी चख चख में, उसे ज्यादा संतरे तौल देती है।"
 

बूढ़ी माँ नें साथ सब्जी बेचने वाली से कहा, "उसकी चख चख संतरे के लिए नहीं, मुझे संतरा खिलानें को लेकर होती है, वो समझता है में उसकी बात समझती नही,मै बस उसका प्रेम देखती हूँ, पलड़ो पर संतरे अपनें आप बढ़ जाते हैं।"

Quite Punny

* Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

* A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

* A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

* Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

* Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

* It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

* I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

* My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

* The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

* What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

* If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed ...??

* John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

* Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

* I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

* A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. "Are you the friar?", he asks. "No. I'm the chip monk", he replies.

* Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

* Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

संस्कृत की क्लास

संस्कृत की क्लास मे गुरूजी ने पूछा = "पप्पू इस श्लोक का अर्थ बताओ.

“कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन".

पप्पू = "राधिका शायद रस्ते मे  फल बेचने का काम कर रही है"

गुरूजी = मूर्ख, ये अर्थ नही होता है. चल इसका अर्थ बता,

“बहुनि मे व्यतीतानि, जन्मानि तव चार्जुन.”

पप्पू = मेरी बहू के कई बच्चे पैदा हो चुके हैं, सभी का जन्म चार जून को हुआ है.

गुरूजी = "अरे गधे, संस्कृत पढता है कि घास चरता है. अब इसका अर्थ बता:-

“दक्षिणे लक्ष्मणोयस्य वामे तू जनकात्मजा.”

पप्पू = "दक्षिण मे खडे होकर लक्ष्मण बोला जनक आजकल तो तू बहुत मजे मे है"

गुरूजी = "अरे पागल, तुझे १ भी श्लोक का अर्थ नही मालूम है क्या?"

पप्पू = "मालूम है ना"

गूरूजी = "तो आखरी बार पूछता हूँ इस श्लोक का सही सही अर्थ बताना.-

'हे पार्थ त्वया चापि मम चापि'…….! क्या अर्थ है जल्दी से बता"

पप्पू = "महाभारत के युद्ध मे श्रीकृष्ण भगवान अर्जुन से कह रहे हैं कि……..

गुरूजी उत्साहित होकर बीच मे ही कहते हैं = "हाँ, शाबास, बता क्या कहा श्रीकृष्ण ने अर्जुन से……..?"

पप्पू = "भगवान बोले अर्जुन तू भी चाय पी ले, मैं भी चाय पी लेता हूँ. फिर युद्ध करेंगे"

गुरूजी बेहोश…………

Fun Terms

Did You Know These Everyday Things Had Names? Know these terms, and surprise everyone with your úseless'vocabulary......

 
Glabella - The space between your eyebrows is called a glabella.

Petrichor - The way it smells after the rain is called petrichor.

Aglet - The plastic or metallic coating at the end of your shoelaces is called an aglet.

Barm - The foam on beer is called a barm.

Wamble - The rumbling of stomach is actually called a wamble.

Vagitus - The cry of a new born baby is called a vagitus.

Tines - The prongs on a fork are called tines.

Phosphenes - The sheen or light that you see when you close your eyes and press your hands on them are called phosphenes.

Box Tent - The tiny plastic table placed in the middle of a pizza box is called a box tent.

Overmorrow - The day after tomorrow is called overmorrow.

Minimus - Your tiny toe or finger is called minimus.

Agraffe - The wired cage that holds the cork in a bottle of champagne is called an agraffe.

Vocables - The 'na na na' and 'la la la', which don't really have any meaning in the lyrics of any song, are called vocables.
 

Interrobang - When you combine an exclamation mark with a question mark (like this ?!), it is referred to as an interrobang.

Columella Nasi - The space between your nostrils is called columella nasi.

Armscye - The armhole in clothes, where the sleeves are sewn, is called armscye.

Dysania - The condition of finding it difficult to get out of the bed in the morning is called dysania.

Griffonage - Unreadable hand-writing is called griffonage (Are you reading this dear doctors?)

Tittle - The dot over an “i” or a “j” is called tittle.

Crapulence - That utterly sick feeling you get after eating or drinking too much is called crapulence.

Brannock Device - The metallic device used to measure your feet at the shoe store is called Brannock device.

Brain Cells

A concept explained scientifically...

"Well you see, it's like this...

A herd of buffalos can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo?

And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only work as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks....

हीरा और काँच

एक राजा का दरबार लगा हुआ था क्योंकि सर्दी का दिन था इसलिये राजा का दरवार खुले मे बैठा था पूरी आम सभा सुबह की धूप मे बैठी थी। महाराज ने सिंहासन के सामने एक टेबल जैसी कोई कीमती चीज रखी थी पंडित लोग दीवान आदि सभी दरवार मे बैठे थे राजा के परिवार के सदस्य भी बैठे थे।

उसी समय एक व्यक्ति आया और प्रवेश मागा। प्रवेश मिल गया तो उसने कहा मेरे पास दो वस्तुए है मै हर राज्य के राजा के पास जाता हू और अपनी बात रखता हू। कोई परख नही पाता सब हार जाते है और मै विजेता बनकर घूम रहा हूँ अब आपके नगर मे आया हूँ।

राजा ने बुलाया और कहा क्या बात है। तो उसने दोनो वस्तुये टेबल पर रख दी बिल्कुल समान आकार समान रुप रंग समान प्रकाश सब कुछ नख सिख समान। राजा ने कहा ये दोनो वस्तुए एक है। तो उस व्यक्ति ने कहा हाँ दिखाई तो एक सी देती है लेकिन है भिन्न। इनमे से एक है बहुत कीमती हीरा और एक है काँच का टुकडा लेकिन रूप रंग सब एक है।

कोइ आज तक परख नही पाया की कौन सा हीरा है और कौन सा काँच। कोइ परख कर बताये की ये हीरा है ये काँच अगर परख खरी निकली तो मे हार जाउगा और यह कीमती हीरा मै आपके राज्य की तिजोरी मे जमा करवा दूगां। यदि कोइ न पहचान पाया तो इस हीरे की जो कीमत है उतनी धनराशि आपको मुझे देनी होगी इसी प्रकार मे कइ राज्यो से जीतता आया हूँ।

राजा ने कहा मै तो नही परख सकूगा। दीवान बोले हम भी हिम्मत नही कर सकते क्योंकि दोनो बिल्कुल समान है। सब हारे कोइ हिम्मत नही जुटा पाया हारने पर पैसे देने पडेगे इसका कोई सवाल नही क्योकि राजा के पास बहुत धन है राजा की प्रतिष्ठा गिर जायेगी इसका सबको भय था। कोइ व्यक्ति पहचान नही पाया।

आखिरकार पीछे थोडी हलचल हुइ। एक अंधा आदमी हाथ मे लाठी लेकर उठा। उसने कहा मुझे महाराज के पास ले चलो मैने सब बाते सुनी है और यह भी सुना कि कोइ परख नही पा रहा है एक अवसर मुझे भी दो।

एक आदमी के सहारे वह राजा के पास पहुचा। उसने राजा से प्रार्थना की मै तो जनम से अंधा हू फिर भी मुझे एक अवसर दिया जाये जिससे मै भी एक बार अपनी बुद्धि को परखू और हो सकता है कि सफल भी हो जाऊ। और यदि सफल न भी हुआ तो वैसे भी आप तो हारे ही है। राजा को लगा कि इसे अवसर देने मे क्या हरज है। राजा ने कहा ठीक है तो उस अंधे आदमी को दोनो चीजे छुआ दी गयी और पूछा गया इसमे कौन सा हीरा है और कौन सा काँच यही परखना है।

कथा कहती है कि उस आदमी ने एक मिनट मे कह दिया कि यह हीरा है और यह काँच। जो आदमी इतने राज्यो को जीतकर आया था वह नतमस्तक हो गया और बोला सही है आपने पहचान लिया धन्य हो आप। अपने वचन के मुताबिक यह हीरा मै आपके राज्य की तिजोरी मे दे रहा हू। सब बहुत खुश हो गये और जो आदमी आया था वह भी बहुत प्रसन्न हुआ कि कम से कम कोई तो मिला परखने वाला। वह राजा और अन्य सभी लोगो ने उस अंधे व्यक्ति से एक ही जिज्ञासा जताई कि तुमने यह कैसे पहचाना कि यह हीरा है और वह काँच।

उस अंधे ने कहा की सीधी सी बात है  मालिक, धूप मे हम सब बैठे है मैने दोनो को छुआ जो ठंडा रहा वह हीरा जो गरम हो गया वह काँच।

जीवन मे भी देखना जो बात बात मे गरम हो जाये उलझ जाये वह काँच जो विपरीत परिस्थिति मे भी ठंडा रहे वह हीरा है..!!

The Eight Monkeys

(This is reportedly based on an actual experiment conducted in the U.K.)

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.

However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he’s not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he’s attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

And that is how traditions, religions and systems get established and followed

A.A.A.D.D. (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder).

This is how it manifests...

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first..

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye, they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day...
The car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one cheque  in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...

Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh ~ if this isn't you yet, your day is surely coming!

गेहूं की फ़सल

एक बार एक किसान परमात्मा से बड़ा नाराज हो गया !

कभी बाढ़ आ जाये, कभी सूखा पड़ जाए, कभी धूप बहुत तेज हो जाए तो कभी ओले पड़ जाये! हर बार कुछ ना कुछ कारण से उसकी फसल थोड़ी ख़राब हो जाये!

एक दिन बड़ा तंग आ कर उसने परमात्मा से कहा, देखिये प्रभु, आप परमात्मा हैं, लेकिन लगता है आपको खेती
बाड़ी की ज्यादा जानकारी नहीं है, एक प्रार्थना है कि एक साल मुझे मौका दीजिये, जैसा मै चाहू वैसा मौसम हो,  फिर आप देखना मै कैसे अन्न के भण्डार भर दूंगा!

परमात्मा मुस्कुराये और कहा ठीक है, जैसा तुम कहोगे वैसा ही मौसम दूंगा, मै दखल नहीं करूँगा!

किसान ने गेहूं की फ़सल बोई, जब धूप चाही, तब धूप मिली, जब पानी तब पानी ! तेज धूप, ओले, बाढ़, आंधी तो उसने आने ही नहीं दी!

समय के साथ फसल बढ़ी और किसान की ख़ुशी भी, क्योंकि ऐसी फसल तो आज तक नहीं हुई थी! किसान ने मन ही मन सोचा अब पता चलेगा परमात्मा को, कि फ़सल कैसे उगाई जाती हैं, बेकार ही इतने बरस हम किसानो को परेशान करते रहे.

फ़सल काटने का समय भी आया , किसान बड़े गर्व से फ़सल काटने गया, लेकिन जैसे ही फसल काटने लगा , एकदम से छाती पर हाथ रख कर बैठ गया!

गेहूं की एक भी बाली के अन्दर गेहूं नहीं था, सारी बालियाँ अन्दर से खाली थी! बड़ा दुखी होकर उसने परमात्मा से कहा, प्रभु ये क्या हुआ ?

तब परमात्मा बोले, "ये तो होना ही था, तुमने पौधों को संघर्ष का ज़रा सा भी मौका नहीं दिया, ना तेज धूप में उनको तपने दिया , ना आंधी ओलों से जूझने दिया! उनको किसी प्रकार की चुनौती का अहसास जरा भी नहीं होने दिया, इसीलिए सब पौधे खोखले रह गए! जब आंधी आती है, तेज बारिश होती है ओले गिरते हैं तब पोधा अपने बल से ही खड़ा रहता है! वो अपना अस्तित्व बचाने का संघर्ष करता है और इस संघर्ष से जो बल पैदा होता है वोही उसे शक्ति देता है ,उर्जा देता है, उसकी जीवटता को उभारता है.

सोने को भी कुंदन बनने के लिए आग में तपने, हथौड़ी से पिटने,गलने जैसी चुनोतियो से गुजरना पड़ता है तभी उसकी स्वर्णिम आभा उभरती है, उसे अनमोल बनाती है!”

उसी तरह जिंदगी में भी अगर संघर्ष ना हो, चुनौती ना हो तो आदमी खोखला ही रह जाता है, उसके अन्दर कोई गुण नहीं आ पाता! ये चुनोतियाँ ही हैं जो आदमी रूपी तलवार को धार देती हैं, उसे सशक्त और प्रखर बनाती हैं,
अगर प्रतिभाशाली बनना है तो चुनोतियाँ तो स्वीकार करनी ही पड़ेगी, अन्यथा हम खोखले ही रह जायेंगे.

अगर जिंदगी में प्रखर बनना है, प्रतिभा शाली बनना है, तो संघर्ष और चुनोतियो का सामना तो करना ही पड़ेगा l

PUN-TASTIC

Very innovative..........puns for fun. Read along................

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colour. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet'.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tyred.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.

Scien-terrific.

Some great scientists were invited to a reunion ...

* Newton said he'd drop in.

* Socrates said he'd think about it.

* Ohm resisted the idea.

* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.

* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.

* Volta was electrified at the prospect.

* Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.

* Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

* Audobon said he'd have to wing it.

* Edison thought it would be illuminating.

* Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.

* Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

* Dr Jekyll declined - he said he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

* Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash.

* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.

* Hertz said he planned to attend and suggested greater frequency in the future.

* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.

* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

* Heisenberg said he was not quite certain..

And Dr. Sigmund Freud couldn't help but give it the slip!!!!!!!

Funny Howlers

This is a must must read... promise you'll fall off laughing...

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...


Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheikh wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)

Higher Studies

A cow was kept for viva spotting:
 

Answers from medicos.

Pre MBBS - it's a cow!!

Final MBBS - perhaps this is a cow!!!

MD - Four legged animal with horn & tail, may be cow or hypopigmented buffalo!

DM - this may be a hypertrophied goat or an atrophied elephant with congenital anomalies. Possibility of being a cow cannot be ruled out. Suggested DNA studies for further evaluation...

Moral - Higher studies kills your common sense.

विश्वास

 यह कहानी एक आदमी कि है जो एक लम्बी हवाई यात्रा करके आ रहा था।

हवाई यात्रा ठीक ठाक चल रही थी तभी एक उदघोष हुआ कि कृपया अपनी सीट बेल्ट बांध लें क्योंकि कुछ समस्या आ सकती है। 

तभी एक और उदघोष हुआ, " मौसम खराब होने के कारण कुछ गड़बड़ी होने की सम्भावना है अतः हम आपको पेय पदार्थ नहीं दे पाएंगे। कृपया अपनी सीट बेल्ट्स कस कर बांध लें।" 

जब उस व्यक्ति ने अपने चारों ओर अन्य यात्रियों की ओर देखा तो पाया कि वे किसी अनिष्ट की आशंका से थोड़े भयभीत लग रहे थे। कुछ समय के पश्चात फिर एक उदघोष हुआ, " क्षमा करें, आगे मौसम ख़राब है अतः हम आपको भोजन की सेवा नहीं दे सकेंगे। कृप्या अपनी सीट बेल्ट बांध लें ।" 

और फिर एक तूफ़ान सा आ गया। बिजली कड़कने और गरजने की आवाजें हवाई जहाज़ के अन्दर तक सुनायी देने लगीं। बाहर का ख़राब मौसम और तूफ़ान भी भीतर से दिखाई दे रहा था। हवाई जहाज़ एक छोटे खिलौने की तरह उछलने लगा। कभी तो जहाज़ हवा के साथ सीधा चलता था और कभी एकदम गिरने लगता था जैसे कि ध्वस्त हो जायेगा।

वह व्यक्ति बोला की अब वह भी अत्यंत भयभीत हो रहा था और सोंच रहा था कि यह जहाज़ इस तूफ़ान से सुरक्षित निकल पायेगा अथवा नहीं। फिर जब उसने अपने चारों ओर अन्य यात्रियों की ओर देखा तो उसने पाया कि सब ओर भय और असुरक्षा का सा माहौल बन चुका था। 

तभी उसने देखा कि एक सीट पर एक छोटी सी लड़की सीट पर पैर ऊपर करके आराम से बैठी एक पुस्तक पढ़ने में डूबी हुयी थी। उसके चेहरे पर चिंता की कोई शिकन तक नहीं थी। वह कभी-कभी कुछ क्षड़ो के लिए अपनी ऑंखें बंद करती और फिर आराम से पढने लग जाती थी। जब सभी यात्री भयाक्रांत हो रहे थे, जहाज़ उछल रहा था तब भी यह लड़की भय एवं चिन्ता से कोसों दूर थी और आराम से पढ़ रही थी। 

उस व्यक्ति को अपनी आँखों पर विश्वास न हुआ और जब वह जहाज़ अन्ततः सुरक्षित उतर गया, वह व्यक्ति सीधे उस लड़की के पास गया और उसने उससे पूँछा, कि इतनी खतरनाक परिस्तिथियों में भी वह बिलकुल नहीं डरी और एकदम शान्त किस प्रकार बनी हुयी थी। 

इस पर उस लड़की ने उत्तर दिया, " सर मेरे पिताजी इस विमान के चालक थे और वो मुझे घर ले जा रहे थे।

ऐसे ही अगर हम भगवान पर विश्वास करे तो हम कभी परेशान नहीं हो सकते क्यूंकि भगवान खुद वायदा करते है कि आप बच्चे बस एक कदम बढाओ तो मै आप बच्चों की तरफ हजार कदम बढ़ाएगे।

Easy Way Out

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “You came home from work and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”
 

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
 

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “You take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
 

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “Than shooting a different man every day!”

Notings By Medical Interns

Actual writings by intern doctors on case papers!!

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The Painter

AN IRISH PAINTER, BY THE NAME OF MURPHY, WHILE NOT A BRILLIANT SCHOLAR, WAS A GIFTED PORTRAIT ARTIST.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perplexed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object and, in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned to tell the woman "T'd would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said.

"The wife says it's okay.” "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Got to love the Irish !!

छोटू जी

ये जो "छोटू" होते हैं न ? जो चाय दुकानों या होटलों वगैरह में काम करते हैं, वास्तव में ये अपने घर के "बड़े" होते हैं।

कल मै एक ढाबे पर डिनर करने गया, वहाँ एक छोटा सा लडका था जो ग्राहकों को खाना खिला रहा था। कोई 'ऐ छोटू' कह कर बुलाता, तो कोई 'अरे छोटू'। वो नन्ही सी जान ग्राहकों के बीच जैसे उल्झ कर रह गयी हो, यह सब मन को काट रहा था।

मैने छोटू को "छोटू जी" कहकर अपनी तरफ बुलाया। वह भी प्यारी सी मुस्कान लिये मेरे पास आकर बोला,  "साहब जी क्या खाओगे"। मैने कहा, "साहब नही भैया बोल, तब ही बताऊगाँ"।

वो भी मुस्कुराया और आदर के साथ बोला, "भैया आप क्या खायेंगे ..?"

मैने खाना आर्डर किया और खाने लगा। छोटू जी के लिये अब मैं ग्राहक से जैसे मेहमान बन चुका था वो मेरी एक आवाज पर दौड़ा चला आता और प्यार से पूछता, "भैया और क्या लाऊँ..!" "खाना अच्छा तो लगा ना आपको..?"

और मैं कहता, "हाँ छोटू जी आपके इस प्यार ने खाना और स्वादिष्ट कर दिया..!"

खाना खाने के बाद मैने बिल चुकाया और 100 रू छोटू जी की हाथ पर रखकर कहा, "ये तुम्हारे हैं, रख लो और मालिक से मत कहना..!"

वो खुश होकर बोला:-"जी भैया..!"

फिर मैने पूछा, "क्या करोगे इन पैसों का..?"

वो खुशी से बोला, "आज माँ के लिये चप्पल ले जाऊगाँ, 4 दिन से माँ के पास चप्पल नही है, खाली पैर ही चली जाती हैं, साहब लोग के यहाँ बर्तन माँजने..!"

उसकी ये बात सुन मेरी आँखे भर आयी।

मैने पूछा, "घर पर कौन कौन है....?"

तो बोला, "माँ है, मै और छोटी बहन है, पापा भगवान के पास चले गये..!"

मेरे पास कहने को अब कुछ नही रह गया था, मैने उसको कुछ पैसे और दिये और बोला, "आज आम ले जाना माँ के लिये और माँ के लिये अच्छी सी चप्पल भी लाकर देना। बहन और अपने लिये आईसक्रीम ले जाना,

और अगर माँ पूछे 'रूपये किस ने दिये'......तो कह देना 'पापा ने एक भैया को भेजा था, वो दे गये'।

इतना सुन छोटू मुझसे लिपट गया और मैने भी उसको अपने सीने से लगा लिया।

वास्तव में छोटू अपने घर का बड़ा निकला, पढाई की उम्र में घर का भार उठा रहा है।

ऎसे ही ना जाने कितने ही छोटू आपको होटलों ढाबों या चाय की दुकान पर काम करते मिल जायेंगे। आप सभी से इतना निवेदन है कि उनको नौकर की तरह ना बुलायें, थोडा प्यार से कहें। वो ज़रूर आप का काम जल्दी से कर देगें, आप होटलो में भी तो टिप देते हैं, तो प्लीज! ऎसे छोटू जी की थोडी बहुत मदद जरूर करें।

बालश्रम वैधानिक नही है, इन्हें आप काम करने से छुड़वा भी नही सकते,अन्यथा वे और मुसीबत में पड़ जायेंगे, क्योकि पेट भरने के लिए कमाना ही इनके लिये जीने का एकमात्र विकल्प होता है, वरना इनमे से कुछ जरायमपेशा या नशे के आदी भी हो जाते हैं। लेकिन प्यार का बर्ताव और टिप के थोड़े पैसे देकर हम इनकी थोड़ी मदद तो कर ही सकते हैं।

Attempt To Take Credit

Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ,but one day, Sam approached the park and, lo and behold! there sat Russ! 

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"

Russ replied, "I was in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'."

"The damn judge gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

To Pay Or Not To Pay

Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.

The student struck a deal saying, "I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court."

Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.

Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.

The teacher put forward his argument saying, "If I win this case,as per the court of law, the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money."

Equally brilliant student argued back saying, "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet, So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything."

This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.

Vodkabulary....Hic!

Recommended reading when stuck indoors on Rainy Days. Will keep u warm n cozy.......
 
To improve Vodkabulary the following books are essential reading:-

01. Bar and Peace
 
02. Tequila Mockingbird
 
03. The Old Monk and the Sea
 
04. Blender's Pride & Prejudice
 
05. The Last of the Mojitos
 
06. Ale of Two Cities
 
07. The Absinthe- minded Professor
 
08. Scotch-22
 
09. Lord of the Gins
 
10. Love in the Time of Rum & Coca-Cola
 
11. My Experiments with Booze
 
12. The Monk who sold his Bacardi
 
13. A Brief History of Wine
 
14. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Beer
 
15. Drunk Dad, Sober Dad
 
16. Adventures of Huckleberry Gin
 
17. Charlie and the Vodka Factory
 
18. Twenty Thousand Pegs under the Sea
 
19. The Three Whiskeyteers
 
20. Not a Pint more, not a Pint less

प्यास

एक बार किसी रेलवे प्लैटफॉर्म पर जब गाड़ी रुकी तो एक लड़का पानी बेचता हुआ निकला।

 ट्रेन में बैठे एक सेठ ने उसे आवाज दी, "ऐ लड़के इधर आ।"

 लड़का दौड़कर आया।

 उसने पानी का गिलास भरकर सेठ  की ओर बढ़ाया तो सेठ ने पूछा, "कितने पैसे में?"

लड़के ने कहा, "पच्चीस पैसे।"

 सेठ ने उससे कहा कि पंदह पैसे में देगा क्या?

यह सुनकर लड़का हल्की मुस्कान दबाए पानी वापस घड़े में उड़ेलता हुआ आगे बढ़ गया।

 उसी डिब्बे में एक महात्मा बैठे थे, जिन्होंने यह नजारा देखा था कि लड़का मुस्कराय मौन रहा।

जरूर कोई रहस्य उसके मन में होगा।

 महात्मा नीचे उतरकर उस लड़के के  पीछे- पीछे गए।

 बोले : ऐ लड़के ठहर जरा, यह तो बता तू हंसा क्यों?

वह लड़का बोला, "महाराज, मुझे हंसी इसलिए आई कि सेठजी को प्यास तो लगी ही नहीं थी। वे तो केवल पानी के गिलास का रेट पूछ रहे थे।"

 महात्मा ने पूछा - "लड़के, तुझे ऐसा क्यों लगा कि सेठजी को प्यास लगी ही नहीं थी।"

 लड़के ने जवाब दिया, "महाराज, जिसे वाकई प्यास लगी हो वह कभी रेट नहीं पूछता। वह तो गिलास लेकर पहले पानी पीता है।  फिर बाद में पूछेगा कि कितने पैसे देने हैं? पहले कीमत पूछने का अर्थ हुआ कि प्यास लगी ही नहीं है।"

 वास्तव में जिन्हें ईश्वर और जीवन में  कुछ पाने की तमन्ना होती है, वे वाद-विवाद में नहीं पड़ते।

 पर जिनकी प्यास सच्ची नहीं होती, वे ही वाद-विवाद में पड़े रहते हैं। वे साधना के पथ पर आगे नहीं बढ़ते.

अगर भगवान नहीं हे तो उसका ज़िक्र क्यो??
और अगर भगवान हे तो फिर फिक्र क्यों ???

 मंज़िलों से गुमराह भी ,कर देते हैं कुछ लोग,  हर किसी से रास्ता पूछना अच्छा नहीं होता..

अगर कोई पूछे जिंदगी में क्या खोया और क्या पाया...तो बेशक कहना...जो कुछ खोया वो मेरी नादानी थी और जो भी पाया वो रब की मेहेरबानी थी!

खुबसूरत रिश्ता है मेरा और भगवान के बीच में ज्यादा मैं मांगता नहीं और कम वो देता नही।

The Choice

At our age,  we  may have already crossed this " Bridge " in o ur life. But, this is worth passing onto the youngsters , who are busy building their careers in a "Dog Eats Dog" world.


EVERY moment in life, we are faced with a choice.

Which should command our preference? The demands of our job or the duties to our family?

If there is a board meeting today at the same hours that our son graduates from school, where should we go, to the boardroom or to the graduation ceremony?

If we have to make a very important presentation tomorrow, so as to advance our career, but our wife says she has to see the doctor on a suspicion of cancer, which appointment should we keep?

These are the daily battles of conscience we have to wage, trying to keep a balance between our responsibility to earn a living and our opportunity to live a life.
 

And our choices invariably reveal who we really are. Our preferences indicate our true character. Our priorities are the best indicators of our real identity.

What profits success?

I know that many of you out there would go for career on the pretension that after all, you are doing all these for the family.

Many of you, dear readers, would rather become outstanding employees, model personnel instead of being doting fathers or loving husbands.

Many of you would opt to perform exceedingly well in the office even if you work 12 to 16 hours a day, going home only to change clothes or catch a few hours of sleep.

But what for? At the end of the day, what have you accomplished?

What profits a highly successful professional or wealthy businessman if ultimately, he loses his family, wrecks his marriage or dishonors the name he will leave to his children?

What has a rich man accomplished if he has built a fortune and founded conglomerates of highly profitable companies and yet drives his own wife to vices or infidelity, his children to drugs and delinquency and himself to spiritual decay and total burnout?

What matters most?

Look around you. The evidence is overwhelming and irreversible. Families are shattered. Marriages are broken. Lives are reduced to utter emptiness.

Even as man advances in wealth and success, he deteriorates on the basic standards of joy, peace and serenity. As we all compete and struggle for power and possessions, we often neglect what really matters most. In our insatiable mania for supremacy over the rest, we often forget the most important things in life.

I will respect your choice. But as for me, my priorities are clear. Between career and family, I will always go for family.

I can forego that board meeting and earn the ire of my boss or make a bad impression on my peers. But I shall not inflict a lifetime trauma on my son by sending him alone to graduate without his dad. I can forget that business presentation and lose a valued client or waste a career promotion, but I cannot leave my wife alone in her moments of anxiety.

Meaningless?

Why should a well-known public figure commit suicide given all his fame and fortune?  Can his wealth and wisdom compensate for ruptures in his relationships?

Why should a wife of a famous politician commit adultery with the family driver?  Is it lust or vain fixation for the pleasures of the flesh?  Or is it the pain of being neglected and ignored by the husband she used to adore?

Why should a son cut his wrist or a daughter drink poison despite all the luxuries and pleasures they are showered with?

Can money replace love? Can pleasure take the place of affections?

In this age of top line technology and convenience gadgets, why are humans talking to computers rather than with each other? Why are we retrenching people and replacing them with robots and machines?

Why have we lost the simple joys of nurturing relationships with bank tellers because we have replaced them with ATMs?

Why, with all our cells, e-mails, Internets, websites or the endemic texting, are we no longer communicating? Why are family members no longer talking to each other?

The ultimate hell?

To succeed in career and fail in the family is, to me, the ultimate hell.

John Grisham, that famous author of legal fictions wrote "The Testament," which tells of a highly successful industrialist who made billions of dollars but lost his family.

In the first 10 pages of the novel, he jumped to his death from his multi-story building in front of his self-centered children. By his will, he disinherited all of them and bequeathed his entire estate to an illegitimate daughter who refused to accept it. That is the ultimate irony; those who lusted for money lost it. Those who were given all the money refused it.

In all his dozen masterpieces, Grisham tells us about the importance of family. "A Time to Kill" tells of a father who went to jail for killing his daughter's rapists.

Indeed, we who are simple folks should learn from the mistakes of others. We should straighten our lives and put our priorities in order.

I don't know about you.

But as for me and my house, our credo is: There is no success in a career that can make up for a failure in the family.

                                            
By Atty. Josephus Jimenez (Writer for the Philippine Daily Inquirer)

Are You Happy?

After years of hard and dedicated service to his Company, Ajay was being appointed at an elegant reception as the new Director.

It was a small function where his wife Anita , a Home Executive and some of the wives of the other persons in top management were also present.

In an adjacent room, Ann, the wife of the CEO of the Company, asked Ajay's wife a very odd and usual question, "Does your  husband make you  happy?"

The husband, Ajay, who at that moment was not at her side, but was sufficiently near to hear the question, paid attention to the conversation, sitting up slightly, feeling secure, even filling his chest lightly in pride and hope,  that his wife would definitely not publicly lower or degrade her husband, would answer affirmatively, since she had always been there for him during their marriage and generally in life.

Nevertheless, to both his and the others' surprise, she replied simply, "No, no he doesn't make me happy."

The room became uncomfortably silent, as if everyone were listening to the spouse's response. There was a sudden coldness in the air. The husband was petrified. A frown appeared on his face.
 

He couldn't believe what his wife was saying, especially at such an important occasion for him. 

Then, to the amazement of her husband and of everyone!  Anita sat up firmly and explained in a modest but stern tone to the other wives who were present, "No, he doesn't make me happy… I AM HAPPY. The fact that I am happy or not doesn't depend on him, but on me. GOD has granted each of us intellect and discretion to reason, interpret and decide. GOD made me the person upon which my happiness depends."

"I make the choice to be happy in each situation and in each moment of my life. If my happiness were to depend on other people, on other things or circumstances on the face of this earth, I would be in serious trouble!"

"Over my life I have learned a couple of things. I decide to be happy and the rest is a matter of 'experiences or circumstances' like helping, understanding, accepting, listening, consoling, and with my spouse I have lived and practiced this many times."

"Honestly true happiness lies in being content."

Relieved and reassured, a smile was clearly noticed on Ajay's face.

Happiness will always be found in contentment, forgiveness and in loving ourselves & others. To truly love is difficult, it is to forgive unconditionally, to live, to take the "experiences or  circumstances" as they are, facing them together and being happy with conviction.

There are those who say I cannot be happy  :
· Because I am sick.
· Because I have no money.
· Because it's too cold.
· Because they insulted me.
· Because someone stopped loving me.
· Because someone didn't appreciate me.

But what they don't know is that they can be happy even though sick, whether it is too hot, whether they have money or not, whether someone has insulted them, or someone didn't love or hasn't valued them.

Being Happy is an attitude about life and each one of us must decide!

Being Happy, depends on us!

It Depends on Me. I fall. I rise. I make mistakes. I live. I learn. I've been hurt but I'm alive. I'm human. I'm not perfect but I'm Thankful to Lord Almighty

सज्जनता का काढ़ा

यदि आप सज्जन बनना चाहते हैं, तो निम्नलिखित काढ़े का सेवन करने से अपने आप सज्जनता आते देर नहीं लगेगी :-

-: आवश्यक सामग्री :-

१. सच्चाई के पत्ते - १ तोला
२. ईमानदारी की जड़ - ३ तोला
३. उदारता का अर्क - ३ तोला
४. परोपकार का बीज - ५ तोला
५. सत्संगत का रस - १ तोला
६. रहम दिल का छिलका - ४ तोला
७. स्वदेश प्रेम का रस - ५ तोला
८. दान - शीलता का सिरका - ७ तोला

-: बनाने की विधि :-

उपर्युक्त सभी चीजों को एक साथ मिलाकर, परमात्मा की हाँडी में डालकर, स्नेह भाव के चूल्हे पर रख कर प्रेम की अग्नि में पकाये, फिर अच्छी तरह से पक जाने पर निचे उतार कर ठण्डा करें, फिर शुद्ध मन के कपडे से छान कर मस्तिष्क की शीशी में भर लें !

-: सेवन विधि :-

इसको प्रतिदिन संतोष के गुलकंद के साथ इन्साफ की चम्मच से तीन बार - सुबह, दोपहर एवं शाम को सेवन करें !

-: परहेज रखना अनिवार्य :-

क्रोध की मिर्च, अहंकार का तेल, लोभ की मिठाई, स्वार्थ का घी, धोखे का पापड़, इन सब से सावधान एवं दुराचरण की भावना से बचना........

Attendance

Name of school : Life

Class: 40th Std (All students are above 40 years)

Anger : Present sir
 

Anxiety : Present sir
 

Boredom : Present sir
 

Desires : Present sir  (in full volume)
 

Frustration : Present sir
 

Monthly EMI : Present sir (in full volume)
 

Tension : Present sir
 

Sadness : Present sir
 

Worries : Present sir
 

Uncertainties : Present sir
 

Happiness : ???  (no sound)
 

Happiness : ??? 

Happiness : Absent sir
 

Peace of mind : Absent sir
 

Contentment : Absent sir

Moral of story:
In life, there is nothing called sadness. Either Happiness Present or Happiness Absent.
 

Life is very simple to live, but many find it difficult to be simple. Make it Simple! Make it large....

And please remember.....

"The amount of money that's in your bank at the time of death, is the extra work you did which was not necessary"

भाग्य से ज्यादा और समय से पहले

भाग्य से ज्यादा और समय से पहले, न किसी को मिला है और न मिलेगा......
 

एक सेठ जी थे जिनके पास काफी दौलत थी और सेठ जी ने उस धन से निर्धनों की सहायता की, अनाथ आश्रम एवं धर्मशाला आदि बनवाये। इस दानशीलता के कारण सेठ जी की नगर में काफी ख्याति थी।
 

सेठ जी ने अपनी बेटी की शादी एक बड़े घर में की थी परन्तु बेटी के भाग्य में सुख न होने के कारण उसका पति जुआरी, शराबी, सट्टेबाज निकल गया जिससे सब धन समाप्त हो गया।
 

बेटी की यह हालत देखकर सेठानी जी रोज सेठ जी से कहती कि आप दुनिया की मदद करते हो मगर अपनी बेटी परेशानी में होते हुए उसकी मदद क्यों नहीं करते हो।
 

सेठ जी कहते कि भाग्यवान जब तक बेटी-दामाद का भाग्य उदय नहीं होगा तब तक मैं उनकी कीतनी भी मदद भी करूं तो भी कोई फायदा नहीं। जब उनका भाग्य उदय होगा तो अपने आप सब मदद करने को तैयार हो जायेंगे।
 

परन्तु मां तो मां होती है, बेटी परेशानी में हो तो मां को कैसे चैन आयेगा। इसी सोच-विचार में सेठानी रहती थी कि किस तरह बेटी की आर्थिक मदद करूं।
 

एक दिन सेठ जी घर से बाहर गये थे कि तभी उनका दामाद घर आ गया। सास ने दामाद का आदर-सत्कार किया और बेटी की मदद करने का विचार उसके मन में आया कि क्यों न मोतीचूर के लड्डूओं में अर्शफिया रख दी जाये जिससे बेटी की मदद भी हो जायेगी और दामाद को पता भी नही चलेगा। यह सोचकर सास ने लड्डूओ के बीच में अर्शफिया दबा कर रख दी और दामाद को टीका लगा कर विदा करते समय पांच किलों शुद्ध देशी घी के लड्डू जिनमे अर्शफिया थी वह दामाद को दिये।
 

दामाद लड्डू लेकर घर से चला। दामाद ने सोचा कि इतना वजन कौन लेकर जाये क्यों न यहीं मिठाई की दुकान पर बेच दिये जायें। और दामाद ने वह लड्डुयों का पैकेट मिठाई वाले को बेच दिया और पैसे जेब में डालकर चला गया।
 

उधर सेठ जी बाहर से आये तो उन्होंने सोचा घर के लिये मिठाई की दुकान से मोतीचूर के लड्डू लेता चलू और सेठ जी ने दुकानदार से लड्डू मांगे मिठाई वाले ने वही लड्डू का पैकेट सेठ जी को वापिस बेच दिया जो उनके दामाद को उसकी सास ने दिया थे।
 

सेठ जी लड्डू लेकर घर आये सेठानी ने जब लड्डूओ का वही पैकेट देखा तो सेठानी ने लड्डू फोडकर देखे अर्शफिया देख कर अपना माथा पीट लिया।
 

सेठानी ने सेठ जी को दामाद के आने से लेकर जाने तक और लड्डुओं में अर्शफिया छिपाने की बात सेठ जी से कह डाली। सेठ जी बोले कि भाग्यवान मैंनें पहले ही समझाया था कि अभी उनका भाग्य नहीं जागा। देखा मोहरें ना तो दामाद के भाग्य में थी और न ही मिठाई वाले के भाग्य में।
 

इसलिये कहते हैं कि भाग्य से ज्यादा और समय से पहले न किसी को न कुछ मिला है और न मिलेगा।

Very Short Stories

Some of the shortest stories with beautiful meaning.. Must read-

1) Those who had coins, enjoyed in the rain. Those who had notes, were busy looking for shelter.

2) Man and God both met somewhere, Both exclaimed-"My creator"

3) He asked are you-"Hindu or Muslim". Response came- I am hungry

4) The fool didn't know it was impossible - So he did it.

5) "Wrong number"- Said a familiar voice.

6) What if God asks you after you die - "So how was heaven??"

7) "They told me that to make her fall in love I had to make her laugh. But every time she laughs, I am the one who falls in love."

8) We do not make friends anymore, We add them.

अपनी श्रेष्ठता का अभिमान

महाभारत का युद्ध चल रहा था।
अर्जुन के सारथी श्रीकृष्ण थे।

जैसे ही अर्जुन का बाण छूटता,
कर्ण का रथ दूर तक पीछे चला जाता।

जब कर्ण का बाण छूटता,
तो अर्जुन का रथ सात कदम पीछे चला जाता।

श्रीकृष्ण ने अर्जुन की प्रशंसा के स्थान पर
कर्ण के लिए हर बार कहा...
कितना वीर है यह कर्ण?
जो उनके रथ को सात कदम पीछे धकेल देता है।

अर्जुन बड़े परेशान हुए।
असमंजस की स्थिति में पूछ बैठे...
हे वासुदेव! यह पक्षपात क्यों?
मेरे पराक्रम की आप प्रशंसा नहीं करते...
एवं मात्र सात कदम पीछे धकेल देने वाले कर्ण को बारम्बार वाहवाही देते है।

श्रीकृष्ण बोले-अर्जुन तुम जानते नहीं...
तुम्हारे रथ में महावीर हनुमान...
एवं स्वयं मैं वासुदेव कृष्ण विराजमान् हैं।
यदि हम दोनों न होते...
तो तुम्हारे रथ का अभी अस्तित्व भी नहीं होता।

इस रथ को सात कदम भी पीछे हटा देना कर्ण के महाबली होने का परिचायक हैं।

अर्जुन को यह सुनकर अपनी क्षुद्रता पर ग्लानि हुई।
इस तथ्य को अर्जुन और भी अच्छी तरह तब समझ पाए जब युद्ध समाप्त हुआ।

प्रत्येक दिन अर्जुन जब युद्ध से लौटते...
श्रीकृष्ण पहले उतरते,
फिर सारथी धर्म के नाते अर्जुन को उतारते।
अंतिम दिन वे बोले-अर्जुन...
तुम पहले उतरो रथ से व थोड़ी दूर जाओ।
भगवान के उतरते ही रथ भस्म हो गया।

अर्जुन आश्चर्यचकित थे।
भगवान बोले-पार्थ...
तुम्हारा रथ तो कब का भस्म हो चुका था।
भीष्म, कृपाचार्य, द्रोणाचार्य व कर्ण के
दिव्यास्त्रों से यह नष्ट हो चुका था।
मेरे संकल्प ने इसे युद्ध समापन तक जीवित रखा था।

अपनी श्रेष्ठता के मद में चूर अर्जुन का अभिमान चूर-चूर हो गया था। अपना सर्वस्व त्यागकर वे प्रभू के चरणों पर नतमस्तक हो गए। अभिमान का व्यर्थ बोझ उतारकर हल्का महसूस कर रहे थे...गीता श्रवण के बाद इससे बढ़कर और क्या उपदेश हो सकता था कि सब भगवान का किया हुआ है। हम तो निमित्त मात्र है। काश हमारे अंदर का अर्जुन इसे समझ पायें।

The English Grammar

The English language isn't the easiest language to figure out.
 

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
 
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
 
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
 
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
 
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
 
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, 
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
 
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;  
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop????

Uparwaley Ka Phone

मैं उपरवाला बोल रहा हूँ, जिसने ये पूरी दुनिया बनाई वो उपरवाला ।

तंग आ चूका हूँ मैं तुम लोगों से ।

घर का ध्यान तुम न रखो और चोरी हो जाये तो, "उपरवाले तूने क्या किया"।

गाड़ी तुम तेज़ चलाओ और धक्का लग जाये तो, "उपरवाले........"।

पढाई तुम न करो और फेल हो जाओ तो, "उपरवाले........."।

ऐसा लगता है इस दुनिया में होने वाले हर गलत काम का जिम्मेदार मैं हूँ।

आजकल तुम लोगो ने एक नया फैशन बना लिया है, जो काम तुम लोग नहीं कर सकते, उसे करने में मुझे भी असमर्थ बता देते हो!

उपरवाला भी भ्रष्टाचार नहीं मिटा सकता, उपरवाला भी महंगाई नहीं रोक सकता, उपरवाला भी बलात्कार नहीं रोक सकता....... ये सब क्या है?

भ्रष्टाचार किसने बनाया?

मैंने?

किससे रिश्वत लेते देखा है तुमने मुझे?

मैं तो हवा, पानी, धुप, आदि सबके लिए बराबर देता हूँ, कभी देखा है कि ठण्ड के दिनों में अम्बानी के घर के ऊपर मैं तेज़ धुप दे रहा हूँ, या गर्मी में सिर्फ उसके घर बारिश हो रही है ?

उल्टा तुम मेरे पास आते हो रिश्वत की पेशकश लेकर, कभी लड्डू, कभी पड़े, कभी चादर ।

और हा, आइन्दा से मुझे लड्डू की पेशकश की तो तुम्हारी खैर नहीं, मेरे नाम पे पूरा डब्बा खरीदते हो, एक टुकड़ा मुझपर फेंक कर बाकि खुद ही खा जाते हो।

ये महंगाई किसने बनाई?

मैंने?

मैंने सिर्फ ज़मीन बनाई, उसे "प्लाट" बनाकर बेचा किसने?

मैंने पानी बनाया, उसे बोतलों में भरकर बेचा किसने?

मैंने जानवर बनाये, उन्हें मवेशी कहकर बेचा किसने?

मैंने पेड़ बनाये, उन्हें लकड़ी कहकर बेचा किसने?

मैंने आज तक तुम्हे कोई वस्तु बेचीं?

किसी वस्तु का पैसा लिया?

सब चीज़ों में कसूर मेरा निकालते हो।

अभी भी समय है सुधर जाओ वरना फिर मत कहना ये प्रलय क्यूँ आया ।

ज्ञान और गलतफहमी

एक जौहरी के निधन के बाद उसका परिवार संकट में पड़ गया.. खाने के भी लाले पड़ गए..!

एक दिन उसकी पत्नी ने अपने बेटे को नीलम का एक हार देकर कहा, "बेटा, इसे अपने चाचा की दुकान पर ले जाओ.. कहना इसे बेचकर कुछ रुपये दे दो..!"

बेटा वह हार लेकर चाचा जी के पास गया.. चाचा ने हार को अच्छी तरह से देख परखकर कहा- "बेटा, मां से कहना कि अभी बाजार बहुत मंदा है.. थोड़ा रुककर बेचना, अच्छे दाम मिलेंगे..!"

तत्पश्चात उसे थोड़े से रुपये देकर कहा- "तुम कल से दुकान पर आकर बैठना..!"

अगले दिन से वह लड़का रोज दुकान पर जाने लगा और वहां हीरों की परख का काम सीखने लगा..

एक दिन वह बड़ा पारखी बन गया.. लोग दूर-दूर से अपने हीरे की परख कराने आने लगे..!

एक दिन उसके चाचा ने कहा, "बेटा अपनी मां से वह हार लेकर आना और कहना कि अब बाजार बहुत तेज है, उसके अच्छे दाम मिल जाएंगे..!"

मां से हार लेकर उसने परखा तो पाया कि वह तो नकली है.. वह उसे घर पर ही छोड़ कर दुकान लौट आया..!

चाचा ने पूछा, "हार नहीं लाए..?"

उसने कहा, "वह तो नकली था..!"

तब चाचा ने कहा, "जब तुम पहली बार हार लेकर आए थे, तब मैं उसे नकली बता देता तो तुम सोचते कि आज हम पर बुरा वक्त आया तो चाचा हमारी चीज को भी नकली बताने लगे..! आज जब तुम्हें खुद ज्ञान हो गया तो पता चल गया कि हार सचमुच नकली है..!"

सच यह है कि ज्ञान के बिना इस संसार में हम जो भी सोचते, देखते और जानते हैं, सब गलत है.. और ऐसी ही गलतफहमी का शिकार होकर रिश्ते बिगडते हैं..!

Deposits Of Happiness

Priya married Hitesh this day. 

At the end of the wedding party, Priya’s mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbook. With Rs.1000 deposit amount. 

Mother: Priya, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your marriage life. When there’s something happy and memorable happened in your new life, put some money in. Write down what it’s about next to the line. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I’ve done the first one for you today. Do the others with Hitesh. When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you’ve had. 

Priya shared this with Hitesh when getting home. They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made. 

This was what they did after certain time: - 

- 7 Feb: Rs.100, first birthday celebration for Hitesh after marriage 

- 1 Mar: Rs.300, salary raise for Priya 

- 20 Mar: Rs.200, vacation trip to Bali 

- 15 Apr: Rs.2000, Priya got pregnant 

- 1 Jun: Rs.1000, Hitesh got promoted …. and so on… 

However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things. They didn’t talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the world…. no more love… Kind of typical nowadays, huh? 

One day Priya talked to her Mother: ‘Mom, we can’t stand it anymore. We agree to divorce. I can’t imagine how I decided to marry this guy!!!’ 

Mother: ‘Sure, girl, that’s no big deal. Just do whatever you want if you really can’t stand it. But before that, do one thing first. Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend it first. You shouldn’t keep any record of such a poor marriage.’ 

Priya thought it was true. So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account. While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked, and looked, and looked. Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind. Her eyes were then filled with tears. 

She left and went home. When she was home, she handed the passbook to Hitesh, asked him to spend the money before getting divorce. 

The next day, Hitesh gave the passbook back to Priya. She found a new deposit of Rs.5000. And a line next to the record: ‘This is the day I notice how much I’ve loved you thru out all these years. How much happiness you’ve brought me.’ 

They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe. 

Do you know how much money they had saved when they retired? I did not ask. I believe the money did not matter anymore after they had gone thru all the good years in their life. 

P.S.: Life is about the moments you create, that u can keep it with you FOREVER. After everything is over, THAT is what we have or what we are left with.

Smart Letter Of Recommendation

1 Trevor McDonalds, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without 

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never 

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 

7 breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be 

10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be 

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be 

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 

13 executed as soon as possible. 

**Addendum The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Now that he is gone, kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines..........

Al-Gebra

Teacher Arrested At JFK.

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F Kennedy International Airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in the possession of a ruler, a protractor, slide rule, and a calculator. 

At the press conference just before noon today, attorney general Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“AL-Gebra is a problem for us” the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by mean and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret names like x and y, and refer to themselves as unknowns. But, we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle”. 

The Attorney General went on to say “Teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous and puts our government at risk.

Ai Zindagi

Ahista chal zindagi, 

abhi kai karz chukana baaki hai. 

Kuch dard mitana baaki hai, 

kuch farz nibhana baaki hai. 

Raftaar mein tere chalne se,

kuchh rooth gaye, kuch chhut gaye. 

Roothon ko manana baaki hai, 

roton ko hasana baki hai. 

Kuch hasraatein abhi adhuri hain, 

kuch kaam bhi aur zaruri hai. 

Khwahishen jo ghut gayi is dil mein, 

unko dafnana baki hai. 

Kuch rishte ban kar toot gaye, 

kuch judte-judte chhut gaye. 

Un tootte-chhutte rishton ke, 

zakhmon ko mitana baki hai. 

Tu aage chal main aata hoon, 

kya chhod tujhe ji paunga? 

In saanson par haqq hai jinka, 

unko samjhaana baaki hai. 

Aahista chal zindagi, 

abhi kai karz chukana baki hai...

Smart One Liners

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.